


I don't want to love somebody else

by CoolestLemon



Series: At My Most Beautiful- A Stenbrough/Reddie Series [1]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Bill Denbrough & Eddie Kaspbrak Are Best Friends, Bisexual Bill Denbrough, Break Up, Gay Stanley Uris, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Richie Tozier & Stanley Uris Are Best Friends, slight cheating, stanley uris has depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-12-17 03:49:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21047816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoolestLemon/pseuds/CoolestLemon
Summary: Bill Denbrough loved a lot of things in life. He loved the ocean at dusk when the horizon just looked like nothingness that could go on forever. He loved a blank page or a new notebook, the feeling of endless opportunities that awaited him and his pen. He loved spending a night in with his friends, arguing over which movies to watch and laughing at bad jokes. But more than anything else in the world, Bill Denbrough loved Stanley Uris.orBill and Stan are stressed with school and jobs and it's straining their relationship.





	1. Bill

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this in my head instead of concentrating in a lecture. I'm thinking of maybe doing a series of stuff like this, so hopefully people enjoy? Let me know what you think in the comments?

BILL

Bill Denbrough loved a lot of things in life. He loved the ocean at dusk when the horizon just looked like nothingness that could go on forever. He loved a blank page or a new notebook, the feeling of endless opportunities that awaited him and his pen. He loved spending a night in with his friends, arguing over which movies to watch and laughing at bad jokes. But more than anything else in the world, Bill Denbrough loved Stanley Uris.

Bill and Stan had been best friends their entire lives, meeting their first day at school and never leaving each other’s side since. Bill couldn’t actually think of a time he’d spent more than a week apart from Stan as usually Stan just came along on Denbrough family vacations to the beach. Thinking back, Bill thought he actually fell in love with Stan on one of those vacations. They’d been fourteen and playing in the ocean with Bill’s little brother Georgie when suddenly Georgie disappeared. One minute his little head was bobbing above the water and the next it was gone. Bill was wracked with so much panic he could barely breathe let alone move and before he even had a chance to scream, Stan had dived into the water. He returned less than a minute later with a sodden Georgie and a huge grin for Bill. Bill had never been the same since.

They messed around for most of high school, stealing kisses whenever they were alone together in one of their rooms. They’d graduated to hands and mouths by Junior year, learning each other’s bodies intimately but still insisting that they were ‘just friends.’ Bill wasn’t sure how he felt; he knew that he was in love with Stan and getting to touch him like _that_ was way more than he’d ever expected but he also knew that it wasn’t enough for him. He couldn’t carry on that way and then just get over Stan when he eventually dated someone else. So, Bill broke things off, saying they were better off as friends and started dating a girl from down his street. She was pretty and nice and Bill actually really liked her but he was still in love with Stan. They still spent all their time together and he was still so beautiful that Bill’s heart hurt constantly.

The day before they graduated high school, Stan came over to Bill’s house. Bill was writing a short story at his desk, hands flying over his laptop like he was possessed while Stan stood watching him from the doorway. Bill eventually noticed Stan and asked him why he was there; Stan was always welcome at his house but they hadn’t had plans and Bill was slightly confused. That was when Stan broke down and told him everything: how he was depressed and seeing a therapist and taking medication that was supposed to help but some days he just felt like the entire world was wrong. Bill held Stan while he cried in his arms, wondering how he could have missed all this about his best friend. Stan told him that he’d been so happy when they’d been sleeping together and that he’d wanted more with Bill but that he was scared to let him in; scared to show someone all the bad parts of himself. Bill had nearly cried himself, hearing Stan sound so sad. They’d laid together on Bill’s bed, holding each other, talking about all the things they should have talked about months ago. That very day Bill broke up with his girlfriend and he’d been with Stan ever since, never wanting to let him go again.

They’d gone to the same college as they’d always planned but now it made being together so easy. It was too late by the time they’d got together to apply for a dorm room together so they ended up with random roommates but it turned out really well and they became close friends with Bill’s roommate Eddie and Stan’s roommate Richie. They even ended having some group hangouts together, along with some of Richie’s friends from home, Beverly, Ben and Mike. It was during one of these times that their roommates fell deeply in love, meaning that both couples always had a place to go when they wanted to be private. They kept this arrangement for Sophomore year but by the time they were going into their third year, Richie and Eddie decided that they wanted to have their own space and applied to rent an apartment; Bill and Stan thought about it for a long time and finally decided to do the same, putting down a deposit on a lovely studio apartment down the road from campus.

It was now their Senior year and they loved their little apartment and the little routines that they had. Their favourite tradition was their Saturday mornings though. Both Bill and Stan played on the college baseball team, having played together since middle school and now being co-captains, beloved by their entire team for not only their great leadership skills but also the epic parties that they threw for the team at their apartment. Being on the team meant that Sundays were always reserved for training and games so Bill and Stan really liked to make the most of their Saturdays together. They tried to wake up early in the morning, snuggling for a bit under their cosy duvet, before getting dressed in their warmest clothes and venturing to the wildlife reserve that was half an hour away. There Stan would spend all morning bird-watching, his binoculars glued to his face and only taking short breaks to give his boyfriend a kiss. Bill would find a bench nearby and whip out his sketchbook and he’d draw Stan, the way his eyes lit up when he saw one of his favourite species or he’d bring his writing notebook and work on some notes for his book. To both of them, it was perfection. They’d spend the rest of the day catching up with homework or seeing friends but Saturday mornings were always sacred.

Bill rolled over in bed, fingertips reaching out to automatically pull his boyfriend to him for some Saturday morning snuggles. His fingers hit nothing but cold bedsheets. Bill opened his eyes, looking at the empty space beside him in the bed. He turned his eyes to the rest of the apartment but it was also empty- no Stan cooking them breakfast in the kitchen area or flicking through news channels from the sofa. The bathroom door was open and the light was off so he wasn’t in there either.

“Stan?” Bill called, squinting around the room as if he had somehow just not noticed Stan the first time. Obviously, there was no answer; Stan wasn’t there. Bill picked up his phone, scrolling through the usual Twitter and Instagram notifications until he found a text from Stan, telling him that he had a surprise meeting with his academic advisor and that they should take a rain check for their morning trip. Bill knew that it was childish but his instant reaction was to pout; they always spent Saturday mornings together and now that they were really busy with last year schoolwork, they barely saw each other. In fact, Bill was sure that he hadn’t seen Stan for any longer than a ten-minute conversation before they both fell asleep since the Saturday before. Bill missed his boyfriend, he wanted cuddles and he wanted to take Stan on a proper date to like a restaurant, where they could hold hands across the table and eat nice food like a real date. They hadn’t been on a date in years since all their money went on rent and groceries and bills like real adults.

Stan still wasn’t back by the time Bill had to go to work. He had a part-time job at a little café and he loved it; he loved the elderly regulars who came in and ordered the same thing every day and he loved how all his friends could stop by and have a quick chat as his manager didn’t really care as long as there wasn’t ever a big queue. Bill half-expected Stan to show up and order a coffee just so they could talk but his entire shift went by and no curly-haired boy came through the door. Only Eddie came to visit him, dragging Richie in by his elbow and ordering a caramel latte.

“Are you coming out tonight?” Eddie said as Bill busied himself making the hot drink. Bill hadn’t even thought about going out on a Saturday night in such a long time. They had a baseball game the next day and while Bill had always been able to play hungover, Stan hated it and always made sure that he was in bed at a reasonable time and Bill would much rather spend a night in with his boyfriend than a night trawling through bars while Eddie and Richie made-out with each other on the dancefloor. Every time, he wished that Stan was there and that he could wrap his arms around his boyfriend and hold him, swaying him to the beat of the music but Stan didn’t drink much and he always found some excuse or another. Stan hated it that much that he always made it clear to Bill that if he did go out and get drunk then he should probably stay with one of their friends because he didn’t want Bill to wake him up with drunken advances in the middle of the night. Bill always tried to hide his offence but he always wished that Stan could just come out with them one time for Bill.

“Probably not.” Bill said, handing Eddie his drink. “I’ve barely seen Stan all week and I think we just need a night in together.”

Richie gave him a weird look. “Stan’s got that wine party with his accounting people tonight, he’ll probably be out until 11, you should come out with us.”

Bill felt deflated, Stan hadn’t told him that he was going out tonight but he’d told Richie. That seemed about right for how much he’d seen his boyfriend this week. Fine, if Stan could make plans then Bill could too.

“Okay, yeah, I guess I’ll come.”

That’s how Bill ended up standing in a random bar at 1am, extremely drunk and feeling very out of place. He’d popped home after to work to get changed and found Stan with his reading glasses on, staring intently at a piece of homework. He’d kissed the top of his boyfriend’s head, before taking a shower and leaving, telling Stan that he was going out with Richie and Eddie, turning away before he saw the grimace that he would inevitably pull. That was the way most of their conversations went these days, a brief explanation of where they were going, a quick kiss and then they left again. It was almost like they were roommates rather than boyfriends and it was slowly breaking Bill’s heart. He knew that things would be better once they graduated but the next few months just seemed like they’re going to take forever.

Bill was waiting at the bar, needing another drink if he was going to get through the rest of this night without murdering Eddie and Richie for leaving him alone to grind on each other to the beat of the music.

“Can I buy you a drink?” A voice said from next to him. Bill turned to look and saw a guy that he’d seen a few times around campus, he was taller than Bill, which wasn’t hard since he was only 5”7 and he was definitely attractive but in a completely different way than Stan. Stan was beautiful in a soft way where Bill could stare at him constantly and never get bored. This guy was more harshly attractive like he knew that everyone thought he was and he would use that to his advantage.

“You’re Bill Denbrough, right?” The guy continued to speak even though Bill hadn’t answered his first question. Bill was surprised that this guy knew his name but being co-captain of the baseball team did mean that random people came up to him or Stan on campus and congratulated them on a particularly good win.

“Uh, yeah, that’s me.” Bill said with a smile. He would never admit it, especially to Stan but he loved it when guys flirted with him, it always made him feel so validated. He loved Stan more than anything but it was still nice to know that other people found him attractive.

“Captain of the baseball team, huh, you’re kind of a big deal around here.” The guy said, leaning his elbow on the bar so that his face was closer to Bill’s.

As much as Bill appreciated a little flirt, he also knew when things went too far and he knew that he needed to shut this down before the guy got the wrong idea.

“Co-captain, actually.” Bill said. “The other captain is my boyfriend, Stanley.”

The guy laughed, putting his arms slightly in the air in an innocent gesture. “I know, I was just wondering where Stanley is tonight. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without him all over you.”

Bill laughed slightly. It was an over-exaggeration but Stan did like to throw his arms around Bill’s neck when they were walking around. It was mostly because growing up Bill had always been the taller one until they were sixteen and his height had stuck and Stanley had grown a few inches. Ever since then, he’d always taken advantage of being taller and Bill secretly loved being the smaller one, his favourite being when he got to be the little spoon and feel Stan’s comforting warmth around him.

“He’s off at a wine night with his accounting friends.” Bill said with a shrug, trying not to sound bitter about it. He was still sad at the loss of a boyfriends night in.

“Ah, out with his own kind of people then.” The guy said with what looked like a glint in his eye. Bill felt a bit defensive; he hated that people thought Stan was boring for wanting to be an accountant or for enjoying bird-watching because Bill knew that Stan was the most interesting person he’d ever met and hearing Stan talk passionately about something was the highlight of his life. Sure, Bill knew his accounting friends were dull but he didn’t mind spending time with them for Stan, who always tried to bring Bill into the conversation, even if it was about something that he had no idea about.

“Stanley is more than one kind of person.” Bill said, glaring gently at this guy. He didn’t even know this guy’s name but it was kind of awkward to ask now since this guy obviously knew a lot about Bill.

“I agree. He was in my Econ class Sophomore year, seemed like a great guy. I couldn’t believe it when I found out he had a boyfriend though.” The guy said, going back to his leaning position so that he was nice and close to Bill.

Bill squinted at the guy, unsure as to what he meant. “Why was that so hard to believe?”

The guy laughed, running his hand through his thick, dark hair. “He got really close to this other guy, like Chris or something. They sat together for like every class and that guy was always playing with his hair but then I overheard my friend on your team talking about how you were together and I was so confused.”

Bill felt his mouth going dry. He remembered Stan’s friend Chris from Econ and how he was constantly texting him. They’d had an argument about it when Bill had seen how flirty his texts were and Stan had accused him of not trusting him. It had ended with the couple ignoring each other for almost a week until Eddie and Richie got annoyed with their lack of privacy and locked them in Bill and Eddie’s dorm until they talked things out. Bill had always trusted Stan but he didn’t trust other guys and the thought of losing Stan just made him feel sick to his stomach. He didn’t think that he could cope without Stan and if Stan ever left him for someone else then surely, he would never recover. And the fact that Chris had been touching his hair struck a nerve with Bill. Whenever Stan was sad or down, which happened quite a lot, especially when he was stressed with school or baseball stuff, Bill would give him one of his hoodies to wear and then would spend hours just playing with his hair until he felt better.

“I don’t know what you’re trying to say.” Bill said, crossing his arms across his chest and glaring more obviously at the guy.

“I’m not trying to say anything, I promise.” The guy laughed again. “Now, how about I buy you a drink?”

Bill considered it for a moment. This guy had been annoying Bill but it didn’t seem like he was purposely trying to be mean and a free drink was a free drink.

“Okay, you can buy me a vodka soda.” Bill said, raising an eyebrow at the guy, who promptly ordered the drinks. When he turned back around, Bill asked. “Do you have a name?”

The guy laughed again, more heartily this time. “It’s Steve.”

Bill nodded with a smile at Steve, took his drink and walked on to the dancefloor in search of Eddie and Richie.

An hour later and the other couple still wasn’t ready to leave. By now, Bill was drunker than he’d been in a long time and was bopping his head in time to the song that was playing. His hips were rolling to the rhythm and his eyes were closed, which was why he was so surprised when he felt strong hands gripping his waist.

“Stan.” Bill sighed happily, thinking that only his boyfriend would touch him like that and completely blanking on the fact that Stanley had probably been asleep for hours.

“Nope.”

Bill knew then that it was Steve and not Stanley but it felt so nice for someone to just hold him, moving his hips in time to the music and he just couldn’t bring himself to move away. It wasn’t like he was doing anything wrong; they were just dancing and Bill loved dancing like this, which Stan knows yet they still never did it. Bill always did whatever Stanley wanted yet they still never danced. The thought made Bill a little bit sad and a little bit angry.

Steve moved his hands, turning Bill around so that they were in the same position but facing each other. It was nice. While Stanley was a few inches taller than Bill, Steve must have been over 6 feet tall and Bill felt so small looking up at him. They swayed together for a few moments, Steve’s big arms wrapped around Bill’s waist in a way that Stan had never done. He kind of liked it. That didn’t mean that he wanted Steve to kiss him though. He was surprised when the taller guy leaned down and pressed his lips against his own, so surprised that he didn’t pull away, so surprised that he opened his mouth at the insistent licking, letting Steve force his tongue into his mouth.

Suddenly, he felt a hand grab around his arm and he was being pulled forcefully away. Bill tried to open his eyes and look around but they were moving too fast so Bill just kept moving his legs, hoping that whoever it was stopped soon. He felt the air change from hot to cold and realised he was outside and he was quickly deposited on the ground by a very angry Richie.

“What the actual fuck, Bill?” Richie said, shaking his shoulder violently.

Bill thought he might throw up. He’d cheated on Stan. He’d actually fucking cheated on Stanley, the love of his life. Bill wasn’t sure whether he wanted to throw himself into the road to get hit by a car, or whether he wanted to run straight home and beg Stan for forgiveness. Then he thought about how Stanley’s face would look, how his features would close down and he’d turn away from Bill. Stanley had trust issues as it was, it had taken him so long to open up about his depression to Bill and the thought that one bad decision could reverse all those years of trying to get Stan to open up made Bill want to sob.

“I fucked up.” Bill said, tears already pouring down his face. He couldn’t lose Stan; it would break him in ways that he would never get over. Stan had been the one constant in his life and he couldn’t lose him, he just couldn’t. “I fucked up, I fucked up.”

Richie shook his shoulder again, looking ridiculously angry.

“Yeah, you fucking did, Bill. You know that Stanley’s vulnerable.”

Bill cried harder. He wished that he’d never gone out; he could be wrapped around his boyfriend right now but instead, he was trapped in hell.

“Listen, I know you regret it and Stanley’s my best friend and I don’t want to hurt him any more than you do. So, you need to go home and get into bed with your _boyfriend_ and you need to spend every day making him feel better about himself. If you do that then I promise I won’t tell him.” Richie said, pushing his hair out of his eyes and sighing loudly.

Bill almost bit his hand off at the offer. “Yes, yes, of course, I promise. Stan is my entire world, I won’t ever do anything like this again. It was a huge mistake.”

“Yeah, it was.” Richie said with another sigh. “But I swear to God, Denbrough, you hurt him again and I will murder you. Don’t count on Eddie to stand up for you, he’d help me hide the body.”

Bill nodded quickly. “Of course. I’m going to go straight home and hold him and never let go.”

Richie also nodded. “You do that.” He said, turning around and heading back inside to find Eddie.

Bill stood outside in the cold, looking into the darkness of the street. He thought about going home to Stan and he thought about Stan asking him how his night was and being so cute and sweet and Bill turned to walk in the opposite direction to his apartment. He couldn’t go home and pretend that everything was okay right now. He’d go stay with Bev for the night and work out how to act normally around Stan and then he’d go home and hold the love of his life tightly in the morning.


	2. Stan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stanley Uris also loved a lot of things in life. He was predisposed not to be optimistic but on his good days, Stan could fill pages with things that he loved. He loved cold mornings when he could wrap himself up in warm clothes or blankets. He loved playing baseball and the feeling of elation he got when he hit a home run or they won a game. He loved going to watch birds at the wildlife reserve and spotting a certain species that he’d been looking for. But more than anything, Stanley Uris loved Bill Denbrough. 
> 
> or Stan finds out what Bill did and he has to try and decide whether their relationship is worth saving.

STAN

Stanley Uris also loved a lot of things in life. He was predisposed not to be optimistic but on his good days, Stan could fill pages with things that he loved. He loved cold mornings when he could wrap himself up in warm clothes or blankets. He loved playing baseball and the feeling of elation he got when he hit a home run or they won a game. He loved going to watch birds at the wildlife reserve and spotting a certain species that he’d been looking for. But more than anything, Stanley Uris loved Bill Denbrough.

Stanley had loved Bill since he was sixteen. They’d been making out for a while by then but Stanley had always just thought it was friendly; he’d never expected to fall deeply in love with his best friend. It had been a Tuesday when Stan had realised that he loved Bill, they’d been lying in Stan’s bed and Bill’s face was flushed from a long make-out session and Stan had looked up and been hit with the most intense feeling of love. And that was the way things were from then on; Stan’s love for Bill was one of the only constants in his life.

Stanley had also been sixteen when he’d been diagnosed with depression. He’d always known that the way he felt was different to other people; he saw the way other people reacted to things and he knew that other people didn’t feel things as intensely as he did. Some days, Stanley just didn’t have the energy to get out of bed and everything just seemed too big for him. After about a month of watching Stan struggle with his feelings, his mother had decided to take him to see a doctor who’d given him a diagnosis and a prescription. The meds had made him feel slightly better but the label felt like a weight on his shoulder, one that he was worried that he’d never shake off. He didn’t tell Bill about it for years, the same way that he didn’t tell Bill that he was in love with him. Both things just felt like they’d change the trajectory of his relationship with Bill and he was right, they did and he’d never been happier than when he’d realised that Bill didn’t care about his illness and loved him back. The three and a half years that they’d been a couple had been the best years of Stan’s life and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Bill.

Their final year of college was taking a toll on Stanley. He was drowning in deadlines and meetings and training sessions to the point where he was barely spending any time with Bill and Bill was the only thing that could successfully calm him down so he just wasn’t getting calm until the very last moments of the day when Bill’s hands would sink into his hair and it was like he could finally breathe. As much as he would have loved to drop everything and spend a few days in bed with Bill, he knew that they just had to get through the next 7 months and then they could start their real lives together. So, as much as he hated it, Stan went to all his lectures and seminars and training sessions and skipped Saturday morning bird-watching with Bill to talk to his academic advisor about how to write the perfect resume so he could start to apply for jobs after graduation. Bill wanted to be a writer and that was an unsteady career so Stan wanted to get a job quickly so that one day he could support them both so Bill could focus on his writing.

Stanley had been a little bit upset when Bill had decided to go out with Richie and Eddie rather than go to the wine party with him. It was fine, Stan knew that Bill wasn’t the biggest fan of his accounting friends and their wine nights were definitely not Bill’s kind of scene but Stan had been in bed by 11pm and missing Bill’s fingers in his hair. It was a Saturday, they could have even had sex for the first time in weeks and Stan craved that intimacy with Bill. He’d felt like they’d been spiralling towards an argument for a while and Stan was scared, he loved Bill but their arguments could be epic. It was like they saved up all the things that annoyed each other and then they all came out in one giant fight, which would wear them out. Bill always stormed out after a while, he hated the conflict while Stan would put on his big puffer jacket, since he always felt cold when he was sad, and would crawl into bed, where he would stay until Bill eventually came back with flowers and they’d apologise, promising to never argue again.

When Stan and Bill had first started living together, Stan had laid down some rules. One of these rules was that Bill was not allowed to come in drunk after a night out and if he really had to come home then he had to be super quiet and not try and drunkenly have sex with Stan in the middle of the night. Mostly, Bill chose to stay in with him but the odd few times he had gone out, he’d stayed over at Richie and Eddie’s apartment but Stanley half expected Bill to have come home that night. They had a game that afternoon and he wasn’t going to play well if he’d only slept on a couch.

It quickly became clear that Bill had not come home last night when Stan woke up to an empty apartment. He tried to push his frustration down but it was hard, they really needed to win this game and they weren’t going to do that if one of their captains was too hungover and sleep-deprived to play a good game.

Stan opened up his phone to text Bill and ask him to come home when it started ringing in his hand, a picture of Richie popping up.

“Hey, Rich.” Stan said, answering the call.

Richie sighed down the phone, sounding extremely tired. “Morning, Stanley.”

“Are you ringing to tell me that Bill is lying hungover on your couch because I swear to God if he can’t play in today’s game, I _will_ murder him.” Stan said, laughing gently. He knew that Bill would always turn up for the games and he wouldn’t actually be mad at him when he saw him in person, he’d just give him a hug and one of the energy bars that he kept for the occasions when Bill was extremely hungover.

“Wait, you mean Bill isn’t at home?” Richie said, with an unreadable tone in his voice. Stan was confused, if Bill hadn’t come home and he hadn’t stayed at Richie and Eddie’s then where was he?

“No? He didn’t stay with you?” Stan said, feeling the rising panic of not knowing where his boyfriend was. He could only imagine something horrible had happened and Bill was lying unconscious in some alleyway or something.

Richie sighed again in a pained way. “I’m coming around, I’ll be over in 10 minutes.”

Richie was true to his word and arrived no more than ten minutes after Stan had put the phone down. Stan hadn’t moved from his spot under the duvet, just imagining the terrible things that could have happened to Bill and how guilty he felt for only realising this morning. He’d already compiled a list of the ten closest hospitals to ring when Richie appeared, having let himself in with the spare key that Stan had given him.

“Hey, Stan.” Richie said, coming over to perch on the edge of the bed, looking at Stan’s eyes, which were the only part of him peeking out of the duvet. “You okay?”

“No! Of course, I’m not okay- my boyfriend could be bleeding out on the sidewalk somewhere.” Stan cried, moving to cover his eyes with his hands. Before he could, however, he saw a flash of something across Richie’s face. Stan squinted, looking at his friend more carefully now. Richie didn’t look panicked or scared like he would if Bill were truly missing, he just looked kind of sad.

Stan tilted his head at Richie. “Do _you_ know where Bill is?”

Richie put his head in his hands, looking like he was in immense pain. “There’s something I need to tell you.” He said, barely looking at Stan. Stan instantly felt sick. No good conversation ever started with those words.

“Okay.” Stan said quietly, his voice barely a whisper. Richie moved his hands to Stan’s own head and started playing with his curls the way he knew always calmed him down. Stan fought the urge to push him away and instead leaned into the gentle touch, knowing that whatever bad thing he had to hear, it would be easier if he was calm.

“So, last night we went to that bar over on 2nd Street, the one Eddie likes. And me and Eds were getting our groove on over by the DJ. It was around 2 am and I was going to go and buy us another drink and I was thinking that maybe I should get one for Bill so I had a look around for him and I saw him dancing with some guy.” Richie said, stroking gently through Stan’s hair.

Stanley nodded; Bill loved to dance but Stan hated going out drinking so they rarely got to do it.

“I was on my way over there for ask him what he wanted to drink when the guy just like shoved his tongue down Bill’s throat.” Richie said, keeping his eyes on Stanley as if expected him to start crying, which he wouldn’t since Stan literally never cried. He got really, really sad but he hadn’t cried since he was like eighteen.

“Oh.” Stan said, feeling the dread bubbling inside him. Bill was a stupid drunk, he got messy quickly and always ended up in silly situations but never one like this. Bill worshipped the ground Stan walked on and Stanley had never thought to question his trust for Bill. Stan had just believed that Bill would _never_ cheat on him.

“Bill didn’t push him away so I grabbed him and dragged him out of there. I was going to hurt him, I swear to god, Stanley but he was crying so hard that I just couldn’t. I told him that I wouldn’t tell you what happened if he went straight home to you but then you said he hadn’t and honestly, Stan, you’re my best friend and the guilt was eating me alive. Eddie forced me to come tell you. I’m sorry.” Richie said, his voice breaking slightly as he took in the impossibly sad look on his best friend’s face.

“He didn’t come home.” Stan said bleakly. Now, he was imagining Bill going home with some random guy, fucking some random guy, stroking some random guy’s hair instead of Stan’s. He felt numb.

“I know, sweetie. And I swear I’m actually going to murder the guy for putting you through this but you’ve got a baseball game in like two hours and I know you and I know that you would hate yourself for putting your personal problems before the team, right?”

Stan sat up quickly, knocking Richie’s hand off his head. He’d completely forgotten about the game. “Shit, the game. Bill’s going to have to come back here to collect his uniform and I can’t see him right now. I can’t let myself be sad when I have to play.” Stan said, getting out of bed and running to their closet. He quickly pulled his own uniform out, throwing it over his arm.

Richie nodded, understanding completely. He remembered from his days as Stan’s roommate that Stan had to be in a certain mood to play baseball, he had to be super hyped or even pissed off in order to play his best games and he usually didn’t play when he was too sad. Now, that he was co-captain, he couldn’t just miss a game.

“Yeah, I mean I’m guessing you’re angry too, you could channel that into the game?” Richie suggested carefully. He didn’t want Stan to be too angry and attack Bill with his bat or anything.

Stan nodded violently as he pulled some shoes on with his pyjamas. “Come on, let’s go to yours.”

-

Stanley got to the changing rooms before Bill, putting on his uniform and chatting with some of his other teammates. If they noticed that Stan was acting differently than normal, they didn’t say anything, not mentioning the fact that they’d never seen their co-captains not arrive at games or training sessions separately.

Bill was late, arriving with barely enough time to throw his uniform on. When he finally emerged into the locker area, Stan was grabbing what he needed for the game from his own locker, which was, unfortunately, next to Bill’s.

“Baby, you didn’t wait for me?” Bill said, standing next to him and looking softly at his boyfriend. Stan turned to look at Bill, taking in the paleness of his face, which suggested he was deeply hungover. He grabbed a power bar from his locker and practically threw it at Bill. Stan was so angry and he knew they were going to have to have a long conversation about this but not before the game and Bill needed to be able to play, even as hungover as he was.

“Nope.” Stan answered, shuffling some stuff around in his locker and turning away from Bill again.

“Aren’t you going to give me a good luck kiss?” Bill asked, stroking his fingers up and down Stan’s arm.

Stan growled at him, slamming his locker. “I’m not your fucking mother, William and baseball isn’t about luck; it’s about skill. Just play the fucking game.” With that, Stanley stormed off to the diamond, leaving Bill feeling like he was going to be sick. There was no doubt in Bill’s mind that Stanley knew what had happened the night before.

They won the game, despite Bill playing worse than he ever had before. He played so badly that their coach immediately called him in for a chat, meaning that by the time he made it to the locker room, it was completely empty. Normally, Stan would have waited for him but Bill knew that he’d probably already gone home. He left the changing area, ready for the twenty-minute walk back to his apartment when he spotted Richie waiting in the car park. Bill ran towards him.

“What the fuck did you do?” He yelled at Richie, his hands in fists.

Richie took a step back and laughed humourlessly. “What did _I_ do? What did _you_ do? I told you to go straight home so imagine how surprised I felt when I called Stanley this morning to find that you’d never made it home.”

Bill looked down, sheepishly until Richie pushed him backwards, violently.

“Did you fucking enjoy it, Bill? Did sleeping with that guy make you feel so good about yourself, huh? Did breaking Stanley’s heart make you feel like a big man?” Richie’s voice was so low and angry that Bill instinctively took another step back. He was crying again; his mind replaying how angry Stan had looked. Even when they’d had their worst arguments, Stanley had never looked at him like that.

“I didn’t sleep with him.” Bill said, holding his hands up but still sobbing. “I just couldn’t face getting into bed with Stanley after what I’d done so I went and stayed on Bev and Ben’s floor.”

Richie’s anger seemed to drop instantly. “Shit, Bill.”

“Yeah, shit.” Bill said, still crying. “Stanley’s never going to trust me again. It took me years for him to open up to me and I honestly don’t think he’ll ever get over this.” It was the truth; Bill knew Stan better than anyone and he knew that trust was the most important thing to him.

Richie offered Bill a lift home and the closer they got to his apartment, the more dread built up. He wondered whether Stanley was going to even be there when he got home or whether all his stuff would already be gone. Maybe, he’d just gone straight back with Eddie to hide until Bill moved out. Bill’s heart was heavy as he made his way up the three flights of steps to their studio.

Bill wasn’t sure whether to knock on the door or let himself in but he knew they needed to talk so reluctantly, Bill unlocked the door and crept inside. Stan was sat on their bed, facing away from the door, wearing his huge blue coat. He only ever wore that coat when it was minus temperatures or when he was having a down day as Bill knew that his sadness often made him cold. Instinct kicked in and Bill practically ran across the room to straddle Stan from behind and start playing with his hair the way he always did when Stanley was sad. Stan growled again and pushed Bill’s hands off his head, turning to look at his boyfriend with the deadest eyes Bill had ever seen.

“So, now you come home?” He said with a venom Bill had never heard directed at him. Bill instantly recoiled.

“We need to talk.” Bill said, not really sure he even had the words to say to Stanley right now. Stanley didn’t exactly know what to say either, having never expected to be in this position with Bill. He’d spent the last hour sat here waiting for Bill, going over what he wanted to say in his head but every conclusion he reached seemed to be the same and it wasn’t one either of them would want. Stanley just knew he had to work out what was going to be best for both of them going forward.

“Yeah.” Stanley said, letting his anger subside once again. He needed to be level-headed to get through this conversation. Standing up, he guided Bill over to the couch and they sat with a small gap between them, bodies turned towards each other.

“I have to start by saying that I slept on Bev’s floor last night, I didn’t sleep with that guy. It was just that one kiss but I’m not trying to downplay it. I made a terrible mistake and I respect that you’re upset.” Bill said, his hands on his knees, eyes trained on Stan’s.

Stanley nodded. “Thank you for saying that. Could you tell me why it happened? I just want to know the entire situation.” Stan had always been a dignified person, even when he was in a state and he refused to make any decisions about the state of his relationship without knowing everything that had happened.

Bill told him everything. How Steve had talked about Stanley and Chris at the bar, playing into one of Bill’s biggest insecurities and how he’d been so drunk and the sensation of someone dancing with him was nice but he made sure to make it clear that he didn’t want Stanley to feel guilty for never dancing with him. He told him about the way Steve had just reached down to kiss him and how validated his ego had felt when he realised that other people found him attractive. Stanley nodded along.

“Is that what you want?” Stan asked, once Bill had finished. “Do you want to see other people?”

Bill shook his head quickly. “No, not at all. I just made a mistake.”

Stanley sighed. He thought about his relationship with Bill and how almost everything he’d done since they’d met had been in some way to do with Bill. Since he was five years old, Stanley had been building a world where he could co-exist happily with Bill; a little Stanley+Bill bubble. Bill had done the same, both of them working together to make each other happy and most of the time, it worked. However, neither of them had ever been on their own. Stan wasn’t even sure how to calm down without Bill there and that made him co-dependant, which was something he feared being, especially now. If one day in the future, Bill decided to leave him then he wouldn’t be able to cope so he knew what he needed to tell Bill.

“I think we should take a break.” Stanley said, saying the words he’d been thinking. He needed some time to learn how to exist on his own and he couldn’t do that within his relationship with Bill. He loved Bill more than anything in the world and he didn’t want them to break-up, he just needed some time on his own. He’d never really been single, after all.

Bill started crying again, fat tears rolling down his cheeks. “You’re breaking up with me?” He sounded so distraught that Stanley nearly changed his mind but he couldn’t.

“No, Billy.” He said, reaching up and stroking through Bill’s hair, a mirror image of all the times that Bill had calmed him down. “I’m just suggesting that we take some time to ourselves for a while. We both know that we’re not exactly self-sufficient and if we’re going to have a real, adult relationship then we need to learn who we are as individuals.”

Bill nodded, he understood exactly what Stan was talking about. That didn’t mean that his heart wasn’t breaking though. The thought of not being able to hold Stanley, of not being able to sleep beside him every night, made him cry harder.

“Do you want me to move out?” He asked, looking at Stanley through tear-filled eyes.

Stan shrugged. “You can, or I can. Eddie said that whoever does can sleep in their living room for a while.”

“I’ll do it; I’m not letting you sleep on a fucking couch, Stanley.” Bill said quickly, the thought of Stan struggling to sleep making him even more upset.

“Okay, Billy.” Stanley said, removing his hand from Bill’s head and reaching forward to kiss him gently on the forehead. “I’m going to go and get some dinner and I’d like you to be gone when I get back, please.” He said it sweetly, he wasn’t trying to hurt Bill here. He’d forgiven Bill for kissing Steve, this was about them learning to be their own people but he knew that Bill would need a bit of a push or he would never leave.

“Wait,” Bill grabbed Stan’s wrist before he could stand up. Stan tilted his head to look at him curiously. “do we have rules for this break?”

Stanley considered the question for a moment before answering. “No sex with each other. We can sleep with other people, go on dates with people and if you find someone that you want to be serious with then talk to me and we can do this officially. We’ll still be friends, obviously.” Stan said quickly, trying to make it less awkward than it already was.

“And you’ll tell me when you’re ready.” Bill asked, his voice quiet and serious.

Stanley nodded, standing up and crossing the room to the door. “Of course. I love you, Billy.” He said, before leaving into the late October evening.

“I love you too.” Bill said to the empty apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to write another one of these things for Richie and Eddie and then like a joint conclusion of both stories so this isn't the end for Bill and Stan, they will get their happy ending eventually. 
> 
> If you liked it, feel free to comment and tell me why. Kudos is also extremely appreciated, thanks.
> 
> Title is from I Don't Want to Love Somebody Else by A Great Big World https://youtu.be/ZXe5Xj91J4Q
> 
> Series title is from At My Most Beautiful by R.E.M https://youtu.be/UIXs66BPooY

**Author's Note:**

> There will be another chapter to this from Stan's point of view in the next day so that will be coming at some point.


End file.
